Connection Styles
Words, say it.
If it is not said, it did not happen.
You register care through language. Being told specifically what someone values about you lands in a way that gestures do not, and you are likely to remember particular sentences for years.
The corollary is harder: people who show care in other ways can be putting in real effort that reaches you as nothing much at all.
Strengths
What this style is good at
People who need words are usually good at giving them, which is rarer than it should be.
Challenges
Where it costs you
The risk is reading a quiet person as an indifferent one.
- You tell people what you value about them, specifically rather than generically
- You notice and name good work that others let pass
- You are comfortable with the direct conversation most people avoid
- Written appreciation from you tends to be kept
- Someone who shows care by doing things may register to you as cold
- You may need reassurance more often than the other person thinks to give it
- Praise that is vague can land worse than no praise at all
At work
How this shows up in a working relationship.
This is the most commonly unmet style at work, because most managers are not naturally specific.
- A manager who only gives feedback in reviews will leave you undervalued the rest of the year
- "Good job" does nothing for you. "You handled that escalation better than I would have" does
- You are a genuine asset on a team because you will say the thing others only think
- Ask for it directly. Most managers will give it readily and will never guess it matters this much
Growth
What actually helps.
The work is translating other people’s ways of showing care.
- 01
Count what people do, not only what they say
The colleague who quietly fixes your problem is expressing something. It arrives in a language you do not read fluently.
- 02
Ask for it explicitly
Saying "it helps me a lot when you tell me what worked" is not needy. It is a usable instruction.
- 03
Be specific when you give it
You know the difference generic praise makes. Give what you would want to receive.
Not sure this is you?
The test takes 5 minutes and gives you both scores, not just a label.