Connection Styles
Tokens, you thought of me.
Proof that you were in someone’s mind.
You register care through things that prove you were thought about when you were not there. The object is almost irrelevant; what lands is the evidence of attention.
This is the most misunderstood of the six, because it gets read as materialism when it is nearly the opposite. A note costs nothing and works perfectly.
Strengths
What this style is good at
This style comes with an unusual memory for what matters to other people.
Challenges
Where it costs you
The risk is being read as materialistic by people who do not share the style.
- You remember what people mentioned wanting months ago
- You mark occasions other people forget
- You choose specifically rather than generically
- You notice when someone has made an effort to choose well
- A forgotten occasion can hurt more than seems proportionate, including to you
- You may over-invest in choosing, then be disappointed by the response
- The style is easy to dismiss, which makes it harder to ask for
At work
How this shows up in a working relationship.
This translates more directly to work than people expect.
- A manager who remembers a detail from a conversation weeks ago earns real loyalty
- Generic recognition, the same gift for everyone, actively backfires with you
- You are likely the person who notices a colleague’s milestone
- Ask in terms of being remembered rather than in terms of things
Growth
What actually helps.
The work is making the real need legible.
- 01
Say what it is actually about
"It matters to me that you remembered" is understandable to anyone. "I like presents" is not what you mean and will be misread.
- 02
Accept the smallest version
A message on the day is the same signal as anything larger. Let it count.
- 03
Watch for disappointment you have not voiced
This style generates quiet resentment more than the others, because the need is rarely stated out loud.
Not sure this is you?
The test takes 5 minutes and gives you both scores, not just a label.